Finding Blessings in the Crap

It was a hot summer’s night in August and after a full day of swimming with a friend and her daughter, I was looking forward to going home and relaxing for the remainder of the evening. I had left my phone in the car when we went to the pool and it was too far to walk back to get it, so it stayed there all day and into the evening. When I left my friend's house the first thing I did was check my phone. Uh-oh. Not good. I had a few missed calls from my dad and missed calls from an unrecognized number from the area code I grew up in. I didn’t even listen to the messages and immediately called my dad. It was one of those phone calls you never want to receive. My parents were in a car accident and my mom passed. My dad was alone in the ER awaiting a bed. His shock was so huge it didn’t even occur to him to call anyone other than me, even though I wasn’t answering and was 350 miles away. At this time it was about 8:30 pm and I remember getting out of my car and back in about 5 times before finally settling on knocking on my friend’s door. I remember thinking I didn’t want to bother them since they were getting their six-year-old to bed. Her husband answered the door in his usual smart-ass fashion and I have no idea what I said or looked like but he immediately dropped the sarcasm and called for his wife. They spent the next hour trying to find me a way out of Maryland and back to Upstate New York to be with my dad while I called family members to inform them of what happened and to find someone to sit with my dad at the hospital until I got there. I only remember bits and pieces of the night but this I clearly remember: I was in shock. It was in the 90s and humid, as is normal in Maryland in August, and I was shivering like it was 20 degrees out and repeating over and over that getting home tomorrow afternoon or evening wasn’t an option. My friend took on a mom’s tone with me while laying down the law saying “This is what’s happening. I will drive you to your place. I will pack you a bag and you will take a shower. Then we will return to my house and if I feel you are calm enough to drive, I will let you. Otherwise, you will spend the night here and drive first thing in the morning.” I conceded and I calmed down enough to be “allowed” to drive that night. I made it to the hospital somewhere around 5:30 am and found a family member who changed his plans to stay with dad until I could get there. Dad was ok physically and was being kept primarily for observation.

Sometime later that morning, I drove to my intellectually disabled brother’s group home to inform him of what happened. He wanted to see dad so I took him back to the hospital. While we were there, a good friend showed up and hung out with us for a few hours. She too at one point took on a mom’s tone with me when I insisted on driving my brother home and returning to the hospital. With her best mom’s voice, she said “You will not drive. We will take your brother for lunch, drop him back at the group home and then take you to your parent’s house for a nap since you’ve been awake all night.” As with my other friend taking on the mom tone because they both knew it was the only way I would listen, I conceded.

Before the accident, I was having medical issues and had little money to not be working for any extended period of time. Given the nature of the accident, the funeral was delayed, my father wasn’t allowed to drive for several weeks, and there were many calls to law enforcement, insurance companies, and lawyers. This meant I was in New York for an extended period and not able to work. During this time friends and family members, without really knowing my financial situation, assumed I needed the money since I wasn’t working. I received enough to be able to stay current with my rent, car payment, and most other bills. Not one person would let me pay them back.

When things started calming down, I decided to move out of Maryland to New York to be closer to dad while we continued to navigate all of the things that come up when another person causes someone to exit this world during a car accident. About 6 weeks after the accident I started a contract job a few hours from my dad and was living in an area known for getting a lot of snow and cold (two things I hate). I spent every weekend (and some weekdays) driving to dad’s because there were lawyers, hearings, doctor’s appointments, paperwork, etc to handle. One of my gifts is I’m very organized and detail-oriented (something my father is not) so given the overwhelming nature of it all, I felt I had to help as much as I could. To add even more fun to this time of my life, my contract job was very busy and overwhelming and I worked 10-12 hours a day while only getting paid for 8 and found out that the car I had owned for less than a year did not do well in the snow at all. For comparison, I lived outside of DC which received very little snow and moved to Syracuse, NY which is known for being one of the snowiest places in the United States. I had a full-on panic attack the first time I drove in snowy conditions because my car fishtailed all over the place just a few months after an accident took my mother’s life causing me to seek out buying a new car.

That was a long story to offer some background about how I found blessings in the crap. Honestly, I had to work hard as an adult to take on a more positive attitude in life. If this accident happened when I was in my 20s, I would’ve had a tough time coming up with blessings and likely would have just been angry. Fortunately, I did learn how to find positives in even the darkest of times so this period of my life did not break me. And there are always things to be grateful for if you take the time to appreciate them.

One of my biggest blessings was how much my friends and family supported my dad and I as we dealt with everything. I was so grateful that I had friends there for me every step of the way including the friends that took on mom tones because I wasn’t listening, the family and friends that helped me financially, and the cousin that dropped his weekend plans to be there for my dad, as well as the friend who drove hours to attend the funeral. Not to mention all the calls, texts, check-ins, help with moving, etc. that I received over those several weeks and beyond. Without them, I don’t know what I would have done. They helped me financially, mentally, and spiritually. They were my rock during the worst of days and the ones that helped me find smiles and laughter when just getting out of bed was a challenge.

Although it sucked having to get a new car twice in a year when I wasn’t exactly financially well off, I loved the car I ended up with. Several months before my parent’s accident, the car I had for 14 years had major issues that were too expensive to repair for a car with high mileage. So amid the medical issues I was having, I had to quickly and unexpectedly buy a new car. I hated it and got ripped off by the dealership so I was paying too high a payment for a car I disliked. To add to the fun, when I got to Syracuse I realized how badly it handled the snow and was forced to buy another car in order to keep my sanity. Fortunately, I was making decent money at this point and was able to take a little more time to find something I liked. And I’m so glad I had to buy the second car as it provided me with peace of mind when driving in the crappy weather as it's a rockstar in the snow!! I still have it and still love it!

One of the hardest days throughout all this time was the day dad and I had to go to a hearing with a judge and the individual who caused the accident to determine details and punishment for the other driver. We had to sit in a small room with Brian, the driver of the other vehicle, his passenger, lawyers, and a judge and listen to every detail of what happened. When the judge ended the hearing, Brian, his passenger, and their lawyer left the room quickly while dad and I stayed back to talk to the judge and our lawyer. As we left several minutes later, Brian was standing right outside the room. As we walked down the hall he yelled out in a choked-up voice “I’m so sorry.” I almost wanted to hug the young guy. Drugs and alcohol had been ruled out at the scene of the accident. While recounting his version of the events, it was obvious he was fighting hard to hold back tears and was clearly full of remorse. What’s more, it sounded like he made an honest mistake that we all probably make a thousand times in a lifetime of driving with no serious consequences. While listening to him, I actually felt sorry for him. He would have to live with this for the rest of his life as he was 27 at the time of the accident. I share all this because this hearing, as difficult as it was, presented me with another way of finding blessings in the crap. For dad and I, it was easier to get to a place of forgiveness seeing the level of remorse Brian showed us. We both felt compassion for the guy and moved a bit more easily through some of the anger phases of the grieving process. We sent him a Christmas message to let him know we forgave him as we hoped he wouldn’t live out the rest of his life feeling immense guilt. As a young guy he likely had a lot of life left to live and we honestly didn’t want him to have an ongoing feeling of tremendous guilt and shame about what was likely an honest mistake.

Because of the nature of the accident we hired a lawyer to deal with the insurance companies. After 2 years the lawyer stuff was finally done and a settlement was paid to my father. He was generous enough to split it with me which allowed me to pay off those medical bills that were still following me among other bills. I found a job in my dad’s town and was able to stay with him allowing me to save a bit of money. While living with and helping my dad he decided to start downsizing which I helped with. We found a synergistic way of living in the same house in which I stayed with him rent-free and he received some companionship and lots of assistance with downsizing. Because I stayed rent-free I was eventually able to leave a career not working for me so that I could work part-time in another job, work on my Life Coaching certification, and build a business doing something I love.

I found so many blessings in the crap and feel like my mom was with me to oversee the blessings I received. So I invite you to think of some times in your life that seemed impossible to deal with when you were going through them. What came out of it? Can you find any blessings in some of your crap?